Binbok Joy Con
Isn’t it mad how there’s so much stuff in the world that’s only good in theory?:
-Running?! I know someone that gets up at 4am to run three times a week. I often think that I’d love to have that kind of drive- I like running! I’ve done a few 10ks in the past after a particularly stressful shift just to stamp off the dirt of the day, but four eh em? I’m sorry but if the sun hasn’t risen then the good Lord doesn’t want my eyes open, much less my legs moving.
-Craft Beer?!! It seems like every brewery within a five mile radius of my house is run by some gross sex pest hellbent on putting out mad juicy pale ales that are ‘Big, dank, and citrusy! This absolute dickpuncher of an IPA will flay your gums and have you thanking us for our service’. Well obviously I’ve got to try this! Man, these ‘flavour explosions’ rarely live up to the hype, just average beer packaged in cans that look like a kid’s shit drawing and taste like pineapple juice strained through a winter hat.
-Joy-Cons?!!! Remember the announcement video back in 2016? It looked so slick and cool, you could do 2-player right out the box, even at trendy parties with bright young things on a rooftop in a saccharine metropolitan area. The versatility! The flexibility! The Nintendo Switch!!
Then, of course, you start playing with them, and they’re alright! Sure, if you’re in handheld mode for more than ten minutes they’re extremely painful, and it’s incredibly embarrassing inviting someone to play a 2 player game with a controller the size of a fucking chapstick, but at least they don’t feel incredibly flimsy and can stand up to anything more than moderate use, right? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Belligerence aside, I love the Switch, even if it’s just because it’s the only thing you can play Nintendo games on. But what good’s a console if the controller isn’t up to the task? Frustrated with the performance of my twice-repaired drifting Joy-Cons, I thought to myself ‘why would I buy a new pair when the issue doesn’t seem like it’s fixed in the newer models?’ Gone are the days of third-party controllers being absolutely horrible- the vast proliferation of the online marketplace has meant that being disappointed (and crippled) by Only Third Party Manufacturer MadKatz is a thing of the past. I bought a set of incredibly fat JoyCons from Binbok and friends, they’re quite good.
But why? Before I tell you, let’s get the reasons why they suck out the way. There’s not many!
1. The rumble is crap. I know why Nintendo didn’t include 1-2-Switch! with the console a la Wii Sports ($$$) but they should have- as a collection of games it wasn’t really worth the standalone price, but as a prepackaged tech demo you and a friend could fuck around and have some fun with? GLORIOUS
Imagine- every single person who owns a switch has experienced such classics as ‘Ball Count’, that game where the switch is a bottle of soda, or the one where you feel the joycon twitch to crack a safe? People would be champing at the bit for every game to have HD rumble! But alas, it’s gone the way of motion controls as a gameplay mechanic. The last game I played that used it was Nightdive’s superlative remaster of Quake, the game that made me (and my wife from across the room) discover the shortcomings of the Binbok Controller. With a HD rumble-capable controller you feel your weapons buck in your hands pleasantly- the nailgun, and by extension your controller, winding down slowly, is a fantastic example. Giving the Binbok a spin in game nearly flung me across the room- its rumble or nothing, boyo! You can adjust the ferocity, but the on/off rumble doesn’t lend itself well to games that have taken the time to distinguish between ‘yank’ and ‘tickle’ levels of rumble.
2. No NFC reader! Oh no, I can’t use an Amiibo to get a chest full of easily-obtainable consumables or some lingerie for my character. WHOOOOOO CARESSSSSSSSS
That’s it really! The D-Pad is an actual D-Pad instead of just being 4 buttons, which is my favourite thing about the ‘proper’ Joy-Cons- Nintendo haven’t made a good D-Pad since the SNES. Go on, run your fingers over the D-Pad of a N64 or Wii controller and tell me I’m wrong. You won’t be able to! D-Pad
But who cares why something is crap? I want to convert anyone who reads this to the Fat Con life. Here’s why you should get them:
1. Cheap! The Binbok is 40 quid. Nearly half the price of an official Joy-Con, or 2 controllers for 20 quid each. I’m not ashamed to say this was a big factor in purchasing as a wage slave.
2. Comfy! You know how whenever you meet a baby and you’re drawn to trying to get it to grab your comparatively massive finger in its tiny fist? I don’t think I need to go on. (You are the baby)
3. Sleek and cool! I got the black pair, and you can adjust the backlight behind the analogue sticks to be any colour of the rainbow, and adjust the intensity (or even have the light… breathe?) It reminds me of all those LED strip promos under viral tweets, alongside the ones shilling the comfiest vibrator on Earth that looks like a lamprey.
4. TURBO and MAPPABLE BUTTONS! Why isn’t turbo a standard feature? I guess because it can give an unfair advantage in competitive play, but Nintendo has never really cared about fostering that kind of community (s/o to anyone who still plays Melee), but dang- another trigger that does the work of any other button, several times a second? Sign me up!
5.The sticks haven’t drifted yet- probably the most ringing endorsement I can give. I traded in Mario Maker 2 because my right Joy-Con utterly ruined it for me, absolutely sabotaging the finesse I needed to create a really cool level that I never finished. Maybe I’ll dig a cart out the preowned section and give it another whirl?
There we go- a 5-2 victory for the Binbok. Those numbers would be the headline game on Match of the Day, so stop denying yourself this small earthly joy, and get a Joy-Con that’s actually comfortable to use.